Saturday, October 08, 2011

Recent Reflections

First, I would like to thank everyone for their prayers in the past week for my surgery on Friday. I really felt God's peace and comfort during the whole day and thus far the recovery is going very well. I thought I would tell a little about the events leading up to the surgery day as well, as I think it will shed light on why I really think now we made the right decision.

For some time, I have been having issues with my body temperature. I just wrote it off to pregnancy woes and/or hypoglycemia stuff that I normally get. But as an example, at night when it was time for bed, I always found that I was wearing pants, nightshirt and sometimes a sweater to bed and I would get in under a sheet and two blankets (one a down comforter) and I was chilled to the bone and often would chatter my teeth for a while and it took forever to warm up. Some nights I slept with all those clothes on too! (I would check my temp a lot, but never had a fever.) The day I got back from the surgery, I went to take a nap (pretty much same temp in the room) and found that I was burning hot (no fever on my part then either) and could hardly sleep with just the sheet and blanket without getting too hot. The same was true that night and I found I wasn't cold upon getting into bed and did not need the extra clothing and was just fine, no chattering teeth. This has gotten me wondering if perhaps I was on the verge of an infection with the failed pregnancy as my body was just acting so wonky!

I also had another huge bout with nausea the Monday prior to the surgery. All that day, I battled random smells that would set me off and had to stop and hang my head to try and stave off having to go throw up. (I know, T.M.I.!) But it was an AWFUL day to say the least! Thankfully, Tuesday I was feeling more normal-ish and then by Wednesday I had all this energy and did a lot of cleaning that day around the house and felt pretty good. David left on a business trip to Seattle on Wednesday night and was gone at a meeting in Seattle all day Thursday. He was due back Thursday night, so he would be here to take me to the hospital on Friday.

And then....he found out that the planes were not landing in Spokane due to the fog that day. They had sent three planes over that had to come back to Seattle and the flight director told them all that they could get a refund and fly the next day or whatever. David made a decision to get the refund and rent a car to drive that night. He arrived home around 11:30 at night. Meanwhile, I was at home not sleeping well because it was the first night I hadn't taken half a Unisom in some time (it was helping me with the nausea). I decided not to take it since I had to wake up in the middle of the night to take some medicine to prepare for the surgery and also didn't think it wise to take anything just in case. I had all sorts of crazy thoughts running through my mind and was wishing David was home to bounce them off of. He is such a calming influence on me and I was missing my best friend very much that night! When he got home we talked for about an hour. He was surprised to find me awake! For those of us that have heard this I apologize, but David and I once heard a speaker talk about how men think like waffles (everything is in a compartment and belongs in that compartment until it is solved and things don't mix), while a women thinks like spaghetti (everything she thinks about touches another thought that touches another, etc. and to a man it seems totally unrelated). Anyway, I say that to then tell you that he jokingly commented that he didn't sleep much either because when he got home a bunch of spaghetti exploded on him!

I was VERY thankful my hubby was home though and felt much better with him near. I still didn't sleep well that night (due to nervousness and endless thoughts about things), but felt surprisingly awake the next morning and actually got up at 4:15am 'cause I couldn't get back to sleep and just sat and read until my friend Janeen got here to watch the twins. We left at 5:30 to arrive at the hospital at the scheduled 6am.

I was briefed on all the various things and was asked all the various questions they needed to ask me and then after they put in the IV (the first one didn't work--ouch) and the anesthesiologist (who later I found out was named "Dr. Falter") gave me my first dose of meds to make me a little groggy, he wheeled me down to the surgery room. He told me that he also had twins that were 4 1/2 and was shocked that we wanted to have more after that. I later commented when I found out his name that I hoped he didn't "falter" in the surgery and the nurse laughed. I am sure he has never heard THAT one before!! He was the one who told me that as a precaution they had to put a tube down my throat in case I had reflux or something they didn't want fluid getting into my lungs. I said, "Will that affect my voice?" and he said, "For the first little bit, but it will go away after a few days." He also said that my throat would hurt a lot afterward and boy was he right! I have felt like I have strep throat or something ever since! It has affected my voice too a bit, but I am hoping the swelling will go down in the next few days and things will return to normal.

Anyway, I fell asleep with the meds and next thing I remember I was waking up. It seemed like a minute or less, but it had been 45 minutes! Such a weird feeling, as I am sure most people feel like in surgery. The doctor told David that it appeared that we had waited a little too long as the uterus had more in it than he would have liked to see, but that the surgery was successful. This is another clue that makes me think that perhaps I was nearing infection prior to the surgery. Every since, I have been feeling great and there have been no complications other than the annoying sore throat!

My parents made a surprise trip to come and help out and that has been really nice too. Mom has been great in cleaning and helping me with things and both of them have been enjoying seeing the kiddos again for a short bit. They are coming again for Thanksgiving, but due to the surgery decided to come now also.

Also a big shout out to those that helped watch our kiddos! Aunt Genny & Uncle Mike took sweet Naomi to their place on Thursday night and Friday and she had a great time playing with her Angelina the Ballerina dolls and getting all the one on one attention from them. My friend Kim had Josiah over for a sleep over and so Josiah had a great time with his friend Colton and Kylie (Colton's sister). My friend Janeen (who lives nearby and who I usually walk with early in the morn) came over at 5:15 to wait until the twins woke up and take them to her place for Friday. She also gave us a lasagna for dinner on Friday night and that was really nice! Thanks to all you guys for your help! It was great to know the kids were in good hands while we were away.

Though I am tired a bit still, I am feeling much more like myself and am thankful not to worry about feeling nauseous anymore for a while! I was told by a friend who went through this that I will probably be back to my old self in about 2 weeks. That will be nice!

I want to say also that I really see God's hand in all of this and am very at peace with what happened. I know that if a baby did form at some point (though we never saw that baby on all the ultrasounds) that he/she is in God's hands now. What I saw on the ultrasound on Thursday was not a life, not a soul, not a was dead tissue that had not grown from that last ultrasound (the remains of a fetal pole). This is a comfort to me as I am glad I can look back and know that it was not me who chose to end this child's life, but that God had numbered this child's days long before I knew I was pregnant. He is Sovereign and He is in control of this process and for that I am thankful. It has given me great perspective on the true miracle of life and the preciousness of the sweet ones that we have now. I have had a lot of time to reflect on me as a Mommy and the example I want to be for my children and this experience has given me focus and renewed drive to be the best I can be for those I have been given charge of now. I also know that I can be a comfort to someone else someday who may have to go through something like this.

Thanks again for all your prayers and comforting words of encouragement. I cherish you all! Blessings in Him!


Melissa said...

You are courageous, beautiful,sincere, and lovely inside and out. Thank you for sharing this very intimate experience. Love you.

Jocelyne said...

May your story provide comfort for another mother who experiences a similar loss. May God's peace continue to flow through you.

Jee said...

Heather -- I am glad to hear that you are doing better and that you have an amazing support group. How much that must have meant to have David drive to Spokane and I laughed at your spaghetti comment.

You and your family are in our prayers -- I admire you for sharing such a personal story.

Tell Tigger and the kids I said hello!